Dealing with Death

Nearly two years on, the death of three very close relatives in consecutive months still haunts. The memory catches me at unexpected times, and leaves me fighting back tears and forcing myself to smile through despite the feelings welling up inside. Loosing so many people so quickly really f***** me up, I couldn't deal with it and suffered in silence- nowhere was there any kind of advice of getting through it.

I almost became numb to the pain, pushing it to the back of mind to avoid breaking down into tears, loosing all control and this un-describable emotion taking over my body, controlling my mind, thoughts and this built up emotion which was teetering on the edge of uncontarablly over flowing at any moment. I was the definition of fragile, the smallest things setting me off, a song, a saying, a photo. For weeks I spent ages, crying alone, desperately trying to remember their voices, the last time I saw them smile, the last hug, the last kiss trying to store it away forever so I would never forget those moments. Naturally memories fade, and I was left desperately clawing them back and questioning if that was a memory or simply a photograph that I was remembering.

My sadness turned to anger, I was so angry at the world. People were slipping through my fingers, and I couldn't stop it. Naturally we are all going to die, and my grandparents they had lived their life, seen their children and grandchildren grown up and done some amazing things, for them there was going to be a time to go and although I refused to admit it may of been the right time, maybe it was. However having someone so close, die so young left me wanting to blame someone, why her? Why did she have to leave this world, I will never forgive the fact she died so young or accept that it was the right time, because how could of it been? I realised just how fragile life is, how it can be cut short with no warning.

Time does not make the pain any easier, simply teaches you how to live with it. Grief is one of the most horrendous human emotion,s such an intense amount of pain, combined with the shock that this is actually real and they are gone forever. They never stopped loving you and you will never stop loving them.  Although not here in flesh, they will always be an important part of your life, think about what they would want you to be doing and how proud they will be of you. Nobody would ever want to have their death hold back, or destroy their loved ones.

You can't stop living your life just because they have stopped living theirs.

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